3. 4 things I do not understand about monogamous people
First a disclaimer; I am not referring to ALL monogamous people in this article. If you are monogamous, and none of the things below apply to you, then this article is not about you. But feel free to read it anyway.
- Why do they want to control their partner?
In most monogamous relationships, there is an agreement to only have romantic love for each other, and to only sleep with one another. If one of those rules are broken, trouble ensues. I don’t understand why it is important for monogamous people that their partner only has sex with them. As long as you use protection, I don’t see how enjoying intimacy with other people reduces or affects the intimacy you have with each other.
What I understand even less is why it is important for them that their partner does not have romantic feelings for anyone else. How can anyone control how they feel?
2. Why do they view jealousy as a sign of love?
A couple of years ago I revealed to a girl from my studies that I did not feel the need for exclusiveness in my relationship, and she promptly and confidently declared that it must be because I was not in love with my partner, and had never been in love. We have this idea that jealousy is a sign of love. Where does this idea come from?
I have experienced the feeling of jealousy in myself and in others, and in my opinion it has nothing to do with love. In myself it has only been a feeling that arose when I felt insecure, or when the person I loved (friend or lover) ignored me. That is not love. In others I have seen jealousy a lot in people who want to control others. When they want to tie other people to them, because they are scared of losing them. Being scared of losing someone and loving someone, are not the same thing. Being scared of losing someone to the point of jealousy, is being scared of losing the happiness, comfort and security that their company brings you. And jealousy is destructive. It can sour and poison relationships and families. So why do we think that jealousy is a sign of love?
3. Why do they think it is realistic to stay exclusive with one person for decades?
Most people I know have a number of sexual partners in their youth, yet most of them honestly believe that once they get married, that will change, and they will only be with this one person for the rest of their lives. Around half of them are wrong. 46% of married people in Denmark admit to having had an affair.
To be fair, (assuming that people are being completely candid in that poll) that means that 54% succeed. If you are confident that you will be among the 54%, then it is fairly realistic to enter a monogamous marriage. However, it is my impression that too many people do not consider that they might not be among the 54%. And I do not understand why so many people are being so overly optimistic about their own powers of fidelity. And on that note, I would like to add;
4. Why are they so judgy about other ways of living?
In Denmark, half of marriages end in divorce, and almost half of married people have an affair. When you have a model that only succeeds half of the time, it would seem natural to explore other options, especially if you have a feeling that monogamy would not come easily to you. Yet so many people are super duper judgy of non-monogamous people and relationships. Why?
Sometimes it is like there is no pleasing society. If you stay single, people judge you. If you have non-monogamous relationships, people judge you. If you try monogamous marriage and fail, people judge you. The only way of living that society deems acceptable is a monogamous committed relationship for decades until one of you dies. And you only have a statistical chance of succes of 54%.