4. How opponents will derail the conversation on feminism, and how to counter it
By now I have spent a LOT of time in online (and offline) discussions on feminism, sexism, and issues related to that. Some have gone well, most have not, but over the years I have learned a lot about discussions, that I will now share.
First off the most important thing I have learned;
The most important thing to do in a conversation, is deciding why you are having the conversation.
I have wasted a lot of time and gotten unnecessarily hurt because of useless internet discussions, because I didn’t know why I entered this discussion. I felt like if i didn’t I was “letting the bad guys win”.
Remember that no one is entitled to a discussion with you. You are not wrong in your arguments for declining to participate in a conversation. Your mental health is more important than a conversation. It is ok to leave a discussion at any point in time.
Also, it is important to know WHY you engage, to know which strategy to use. I have outlined 4 strategies, and their reason for engagement below;
Strategy 1: I want to explain my viewpoint to my opponent. Sometimes you sense that there is a possibility of bridging the gap between you and your opponent, so you present your arguments and viewpoint in the most favourable and convincing light. If you want to be really good at this, use the socratic method. There is a really good video about it here.
Strategy 2: I want to explain my viewpoint to other people who might be reading. Your opponent is a lost cause, but other people reading or watching the conversation are not, and so you use the discussion as a vehicle for that aim.
Strategy 3: I want to defend the group or person attacked in this conversation, in case they are reading. It is heartbreaking to be attacked and have no one stand up for you. Thank you.
Strategy 4: I want a release for my frustrations by ripping my opponent a new asshole. Honey, I don’t judge. Sexism is shitty. If some internet person shows up and sound super sexist, it can be a relief to release your frustrations at them. If that is your reason, you don’t need this article.
With that in mind, let us get into attempts at derailing the conversation and how to counter it, in order to make the conversation stick to the point.
- Ad hominem arguments
Also known as “personal attacks” or “insults”. They insult you or assume insulting wrongful things about you. You argue against the insults. They double down on the insults. Now you are discussing you, rather than discussing the issue.
How to counter:
Strategy 1: If your opponent does not respect you, they will not be receptible to your arguments. Walk away from the conversation.
Strategy 2: Don’t defend yourself from the personal attacks, and do not insult them either. Defending yourself only signals to them that this actually hurts you, and they will double down. It is a distraction. Focus on the subject of the conversation. Do correct misinterpretations of your arguments/tone/intentions, this is not defending yourself, but defending your argument.
Strategy 3: Defending yourself is time you could spend defending the group or person attacked. Defending yourself signals that you care what they think of you. However, do feel free to insult them in turn.
2. “You are the sexist”
They claim that by calling out something/someone sexist, you are in fact the sexist. Or that the thing/person you are calling out is not sexist, however, you are sexist, because feminists are all sexist/women are all sexist/insert some other stretch of logic. You either end up arguing that you are not sexist, or that this line of logic makes no sense. Now you are not discussing the issue any longer.
How to counter:
Strategy 1: If your opponent does not respect you, they will not be receptible to your arguments. Walk away from the conversation.
Strategy 2: “Calling something or someone out for being sexist/problematic, is not sexist/problematic”.
Strategy 3: Defending yourself is time you could spend defending the group or person attacked. Defending yourself signals that you care what they think of you.
3. “How can you even talk about catcalling, when women in some third world countries are banned from going to school?”
Translated to normal english this arguments means: “I don’t want to do anything about this issue concerning people in my country, so let us shift focus to this other issue concerning people in another country, that I also won’t do anything about.”
How to counter:
Strategy 1: “It is possible to care about more than one issue. Also, catcalling is something that takes place in our society, so it is easier for me and you to do something about it, than it is for us to change the laws of another country.”
Strategy 2: “I also think that is an important issue, but right now we are discussing catcalling.”
Strategy 3: “Don’t change the subject.”
4. Confusing the enemy
This tactic is (sometimes) a trap. They write an argument that is such an incoherent mess that you are forced to guess/assume what they mean, then they pounce on you for not understanding their argument/point, claim that you don’t know anything about the issue, and call you a moron.
Strategy 1: Assume that the messiness is not intended as a trap, but make sure to get a clarification before attempting a response. “I don’t think I follow your argument, could you rephrase?” or “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand what you are trying to say, could you rephrase?”.
Strategy 2: “I don’t know how to respond to that, because I simply cannot make sense of what you are trying to say.”
Strategy 3: “That argument is so messy, it makes Brexit look neat and tidy.”
5. “Educate me”
This is a sly tactic. They will pretend want a good faith conversation. An hour later you have exhausted yourself explaining feminism 101 to them, and you still haven’t gotten around to the issue. The problem is that genuine requests for explanations can be difficult to distinguish from bad faith requests.
How to counter:
Strategy 1: “I would like to explain this particular issue to you, however, if we have to get into all the basic stuff about feminism, then it will take forever. But I can give you a link to where you can read up on it, then you can do that now, and we can get back to this conversation later, or you can do it after this conversation?”
Strategy 2: I will explain this particular issue, but definitions and other basic stuff about feminism, you have to look that up for yourself.”
Strategy 3: “No, educate yourself. Google is your friend.”
6. Mr/Ms. No Sources
You spend a lot of time backing up all your arguments with sources, while they don’t. Sometimes, to add insult to injury, they will attack your sources, while still bringing nothing to the table. This derails the conversation because you are working harder, and therefore, arguing slower than they are, and eventually you cannot keep up.
How to counter:
Strategy 1: “It would be good for this conversation if we both back up our arguments and claims with sources. It is not that I don’t trust you, it is just good debate practice, and I will learn more about your point of view, if I can read where you got your facts from.”
Strategy 2: “If your claim or argument is not backed up with a source, I will disregard it.”
Strategy 3: Stop using sources.
7. Tone argument
If you cannot attack the argument, you can always attack how is was presented. They will complain about your tone, lecture you on how your arguments would be more persuasive if you were just a little nicer. And lo and behold now you are not dicussing the issue anymore. Beware not to confuse genuine requests for respect with tone arguments. Asking that you not use a racial/sexist/etc slur, or asking that you refrain from personal insults is not unreasonable.
Strategy 1: “It is not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable. I communicate in this manner, because I am very passionate about this issue, and I cannot change that. If you do not feel comfortable having this conversation, you are always welcome to opt out.”
Strategy 2: “Can we stick to the issue please?”
Strategy 3: “I would be nicer, if you weren’t being such a bully to these people/this person, and also, don’t change the subject.”
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I hope this is useful and helpful to you. I am not claiming that these strategies are the only way to do things, nor that they are infallible, after all, I am not a psychologist or anything, I am just a random person on the internet.